Instead I did the elliptical. For 20 minutes. This amazes me because I have not done the elliptical for literally several months, maybe close to a year. Before I was running, when I first started doing the elliptical, I could only do 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, and finally peaked at 15 minutes before I stopped altogether. (I am an expert at quitting.) So after so many months I thought I'd be right back at the beginning. But I guess all this running is having some effect. There is some muscle under there somewhere. I was able to hop on and finish 20 minutes. I even made myself (happily) "sprint" the last two minutes. Just to see how it felt. I mean, it wasn't a total breeze. I was sweating, but not struggling. It was just effort, not overwhelming.
Why did I do this? It has been pouring rain and is going to pour rain for several more days. And I wanted to just do something, anything, rather than just sit. Our elliptical has been getting dusty, the monitor batteries are totally dead, and it has gotten surrounded by clutter in our room. I dragged it out and watched a favorite show while I was on it. I have learned that simplicity is important. Me, the elliptical and the clock. (Ok, and the TV.) I don't need to know how many calories I burned or what my heart rate is doing.
Similarly I am learning that simplicity in running is very important. The feeling I got running up north this past weekend is a feeling I am craving again. Maybe a routine was important in the beginning, and to some extent it still is. But maybe I don't have to be quite so rigid about it. Maybe I don't have to run in the morning. Maybe I don't have to meet a certain time. Maybe I can just run and enjoy the feeling of running, of effort. If I want to run in the afternoon, and take my time to enjoy it, I should. If I want to go a different route, I could. If I want to try to beat a certain time, I can. John Bingham says about simplicity: "Out on the road it is just you, the pavement and your will. Running is elementary. It is elegant in its simplicity." That is the feeling I crave again. Me, the road, my will. Elegant simplicity. A quiet, simple joy.
 So I feel like I had a mini triumph this weekend. I had almost decided I wasn't going to run, even though I brought all my stuff. Then on Sunday, a beautiful blue sky and countryside much like this photo (not mine, btw) beckoned. And my husband gently nudged me in his well-meaning but guilt-inducing way. And got me to thinking. So, at 3 pm, which is far later than my usual 5 am run, and after two large and unhealthy meals plus 1 & 1/2 alcoholic beverages and copious cups of coffee, I finally decided just to get off my butt and run. I say this so the state I was in is clear. I was not well-rested, well-hydrated and filled with only vegetables and steamed fish or whatever is supposed to be most good for you. Pretty much I was bucking every bit of professional advice you read. After a spontaneous golf cart ride with a friend earlier in the day (while other friends actually walked), I had a route in mind. So while we were standing around waiting for dinner to cook, I literally handed my half-finished drink to my husband, got my clothes and shoes on, and went. By myself. (In bear country!) Northern Wisconsin has these great gravel roads. All of the roads up there, gravel and paved, have this great purple-ish tinge, much like the color of a red grape. And there is the sound of the pines and the wind, the gravel crunching under foot.
And you know what? It was a great run. I did a 10 minute warm-up walk, and then started running. And I have to say that almost from the first step this felt different. I felt great, like I could just go. And I did. I even ran all the way back to the gate of the property instead of stopping and walking for my cool-down. The entrance to the property has this really great, super tall pine that you can see from quite a distance. I saw it, far down the road, and I had to laugh. I laughed because it seemed totally do-able. It was a beautiful reminder of how far I have come, and to not give up or count out any possibility. I felt so good and so strong.
Turns out I ran 2.5 miles. YES!! There is really spotty, mostly crappy cell service up there. So no helpful app to say my pace or distance. I can actually see getting to 3 miles in the near future. YES. I hope to look back on this process in the future and laugh and be grateful. Laugh because 3 miles will seem like nothing, and yet be grateful that once it was a huge something. In other words, I want to keep going......
Photo credit: flickr.com
I went backwards today. By that I mean that I ran my usual 2 mile loop, but backwards. Running the other way. And you know what? I realized that the "normal" way meant I had been running UPHILL about 1/3 of my run without really realizing it. It's the kind of angle that is more apparent going the other way. Apparently. At any rate, this meant that I ended on a flat, rather than ending on an uphill.
But here's the thing: my fastest time was not the downhill part. It was the flat, at the end. The app I use (Runkeeper) doesn't account for elevation anyway. But it does tell you every 5 minutes your average pace and how long you have been running. My average time by the end was 14:09!
Stops and starts, ups and downs. Improvement does not happen in a straight shot. It is elusive, slippery, but when you look back it was always there. Despite my supershort, mini even, run on Monday, I have every confidence that I will eventually be able to run all 3 miles, all 5k. (Which brings up a question...can I, should I, change my app to kilometers instead?) "Getting faster wasn't a smooth, linear progression. It was a frustrating series of good and bad days." Very true, John Bingham. Very true. I have had both, and I am learning that good days do follow the "bad," and that in retrospect, the "bad" isn't all that bad anyway. I mean, if you can learn from it, it wasn't a failure.
There is no law that says I must be great at hills, or that I must run in a specific direction, or a certain route. I think I made the same kind of mistake that I made when I got my driver's license. The day I got my license I really actually thought to myself that I was now an experienced driver. So I stopped to get an ice cream cone to celebrate on my way home. And discovered that I had much to learn and I really couldn't drive and eat an ice cream cone as easily as I thought. Same with the app that I used to "learn" to run. Once I was done with the 9 weeks, and the app ended, I thought "that's it. Now I'm a runner. I can do what I want. I know what to do." Wrong again. Still a learner. But I'm okay with that. Admitting that makes it easier, in a way, not to be perfect, to give myself a break, to run at a pace that is comfortable. I don't have to break any records. I just have to keep going, keep pushing, keep learning, little by little. If that is what I want. There aren't any rules. Just enjoyment.
I am starting to get to the point where I enjoy the effort as much as the easy. John Bingham puts it this way: "Being an athlete is having a body that is a tool of exploration instead of a place of imprisonment." (I am reading his book right now, and it's full of inspiration for me, thus all the quotes.) I would not quite call myself an athlete. But I would call myself a runner. I think the word "athlete" intimidates me. Perhaps it's like progress - if you keep up the work, one day you look
back and realize it was there all along.
"Learn to cherish that boistrous Black Angel, that drives you up one day and down another." An athlete did not say that. But athletes would definitely understand that. You have to love the days that suck as much as the days that don't or you won't get anywhere. Life is not all sunshine and roses. Light is nothing without darkness, and vice versa. Ease is nothing without difficulty. Maybe, like on the colorwheel, there are not really any opposites, just complements.
For Each of You
Be who you are and will be
learn to cherish that boistrous Black Angel that drives you
up one day and down another
protecting the place where your power rises
running like hot blood
from the same source
as your pain.
.......
- Audre Lorde
in From a Land Where Other People Live
 Look what I almost stepped on this morning! I went a totally different direction this morning, and was rewarded with this tiny, beautiful find. But that was after the angel and devil duked it out in my head.
It was supposed to be thunderstorming this morning, but I set my alarm anyway, figuring I'd check outside just in case I could fit my run in. And then hit snooze twice, finally looked outside, no rain. Dry sidewalks. Then I proceeded to climb back in bed. A first for me. Usually once I am up out of bed, I'm good to go. I don't want to make excuses, like "I was exhausted," or whatever. But I was. Mentally. After laying there for a few mintues justifying this to myself and trying to think up alternatives to fitting in my runs in this extra crazy week I have coming up, it finally occurred to me that there is no LAW saying I have to run all 2 miles, or all 30 minutes, or whatever. That got my up and dressed. I decided to go the opposite direction, just until a certain point I picked out in my head. I gave myself permission to do less.
I only ran for 11 minutes or so. I did do my 5 warmup and cool- down (hardly seems necessary, but it's a habit I find hard to change. I like it.). Since I knew I was not going very far distance-wise, I decided to at least challenge myself with the pace. And guess what? My average pace was 13:26/mile. Now I know, that means I ran a lot less than a mile. But so what! I am giving myself permission to still enjoy running, to not make it a dreaded chore. If that is what I could get myself to do today, then that's it. As John Bingham says in his book, this is the day my head said "NO," and I listened. What I DO have to do is learn to listen to myself, to trust my body, to trust myself. I just wasn't feeling it today. So I didn't push it.
I do find myself planning a new route for Wednesday, though. And it will maybe allow me to start getting closer to that 3 mile mark. I am still not 100% sure that this was the right decision, but I don't necessarily regret not going further. I guess I still have a LOT to learn.... & looking forward to it, too! I guess I'll cut myself a break. For today.
Hello opposites. Every single blessed thing irritated me on my run this morning. My foot hurt a bit, the little plastic piece that keeps your string from slipping into the hood and getting lost kept hitting my face, my phone kept banging against my thigh, my shorts kept riding up, and my keys jangled annoyingly. On the other hand, I was not particularly tired, the run was not particularly hard, my body was fine, pace good, breathing fine, I could talk but not sing. All that. The problem was this: my mind kept saying NO and my body kept saying YES. NOT the other way around, like you might think would be normal. What on earth??
Then I remembered what I read in "The Courage to Start" by John Bingham. (Which, by the way is the book EVERY beginner runner should read!!) He talks about this very thing, and it's comforting to know that this is apparently normal. I am not messed up, I am pretty normal. A normal beginning runner. Except that today I was a normal, irritated runner.
My average time was not as fast as Wednesday, but still faster than Monday. So overall still an improvement. But in reality I'm just glad that I didn't talk myself out of running. What I really want to know is who was that in my head with me? I mean, one part of my brain registered that my body was fine. The other part tried to tell me to quit, that I was too tired, to whatever. This is what is meant by that idea that you are the awareness of the thought, not the thought. Or as in the book "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, that is your ego trying to keep you down because it knows it's days are numbered.
But really, what a hell of a run!!
I knew the minute I walked out of the house at 5 am that it was going to be a HOT run. Sadly I still had to wear my light jacket since my running shorts have no pocket for my phone. Guess I'm going to have to go get one of those arm band thingies.
AND - I actually IMPROVED my time! I am so excited. It's a little thing, probably insignificant to most people. But for me it feels hard earned! My average time per minute is usually somewhere around 14:52-ish. Today, it was 14:06!! (By the way, my app does not account for elevation, and when I slow down going up hills, this is figured as just part of the average time.) I was so much faster than Monday that I actually had to ("had" to, I know, actually a choice) stop 1:28 seconds early because otherwise I would have missed my turn, and I didn' t have time to walk the extra distance today. Since I run the same route each day now, this is a much faster time overall. Yay me! I am proud of myself. I am pushing through that wall I was talking about a few days ago. It was hard today, I felt it for sure. But I also was not AS tired, did not have to push AS hard, for which I am grateful.
But I DID sweat like a pig. Really. Yuck. It was earned sweat, though, which makes a world of difference!
 Seriously, we are two weeks away from June and there was frost this morning. And fog. And it was quite chilly! On the other hand, I got to run through this very cool patch of fog that rolled out from the river and marsh across the path. What colors in the sky! Who is it that wrote the quote, "Light is time, thinking about itself" ? I love that.
So it's evident that my mood is better from Saturday. Not to say today was a piece of cake, but it was easier. Of course, I was a bit slower, but I did that on purpose. I could have, maybe should have, pushed myself a bit faster. But I really wanted to be able to enjoy the run. And I did. It was a beautiful morning, even if my thumbs did freeze a bit. And my foot hurt more than normal. I felt it on the run, and usually I don't. I still have this stupid cold and chest congestion. But I enjoyed the run anyway. These are small things, and a bit of discomfort now is way worth the payback later. What payback? I have a lot more energy. Yesterday I actually got restless just sitting around. It was Mother's day and I had the chance to just sit around and relax. But I couldn't. So I took my sons to the park, on a walk, and we threw a football in the yard when we got back. I was not a bit tired or worn out. I did not feel like I just wanted to sit around. Which is great, because I really want to do some fun stuff with them this summer! (If it ever gets hot. Which it better!)
Slow and steady wins the race, in this case. I have gotten a ton of support from family and friends to help me with the hitting the wall issue. What I have learned is that there are plenty of ways to get faster, and plenty of things to do to help me get stronger. But I also understand that it's important to take it easy if I need to, not to push myself too hard, or stress that I am not doing enough. What I think I will do is first of all to be patient. Work up to 3 miles at my own pace. Then after I can regularly hit the 3 miles, then work on getting faster. And I have plenty of ideas now on how to do that. And plenty of support to turn to for advice. Again, I am grateful, I am getting stronger, and I am learning. As my dad used to say before school in the mornings when I
 I think I hit a wall. I need help. And advice. I am not discouraged, though. Strangely, I am determined. The last two runs have been so tough! I have to wonder why it feels like I am getting worse at this instead of better. Could it be because I have a cold (with chest congestion)? Could it be because I changed my route and now there are some hills? Could it be because part of the route is now on the sidewalk, not just asphalt? Do I need to drink more water (the answer to that is yes, but that is not new)? Is it the way I am running? Am I just making excuses? WHAT IS GOING ON? I cannot get past 2 miles, and I cannot get past 14:52-ish minute miles. I want to say "what a loser" except I am not that. For me this is tremendous progress "from the couch" so to speak. I am not sneering at my progress, I am proud of it. It's just that I want to keep improving.
I have already decided that since the weather is nicer I am going to try to get in some longer bike rides on my "off" days. Afternoon rides where I can take the kids. They may not be particularly strenuous, but it would be exercise nonetheless, and would not aggravate my heel (that still hurts).
So here goes: I am putting this out there to the universe. My goal is to be able to comfortably run 5k by August, and be able to eventually run 8 minute miles, and be able to run 5 miles. Those last two may take a while. But if I don't set a measurable goal, I will never get there. "If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there. " - Cheshire Cat.
What can I do? I will be asking my running friends for advice, finding blogs and magazines to read to educate myself. And I will be getting out there and moving! I got this. I can do this. Positive, positive! When you don't know what to do, get grateful. So I am grateful - for friends willing to help, for people I don't even know who put all kinds of information out there for anyone to access, for my own body, for my family and friends who support me, for the beautiful town and nation I live in and can feel free and safe running any time and any place I choose.
The picture, by the way, was taken this morning. At the end of my new route I cross the railroad tracks. This view, the yards along the tracks, with gardens, trees and weeds, look like just about any yards along railroad tracks, anywhere in America. And it makes me so proud and grateful and happy to live where I do, to be an American. To live in this town, in this place. And to be able to get out and see it.
 This was me this morning on my run. A giant heavy rock heaving herself along. Believe me, this is exactly what I felt like. Except I am not that solid. I felt every step shake my thighs and butt. I have not felt this flabby or out of shape. Okay, maybe not in a while anyway. I had to remind myself repeatedly that when I started I was measuring my running in one and two minute increments, and that running two miles is not nothing - it's tremendous progress. But it didn't make my run any easier. I was also tired, and I have a cold. Unfun. But those are all excuses. They didn't keep my from going. I did stop for a moment, which I have not done before. But I was dragging my ass through this run today. Dragging! Like my feet were barely leaving the pavement. I could probably have tripped on an ant. It took everything I had to finish. I tried every trick: longer stride, think about something else, mini goals along the way, pep talks, breathing deeply, etc. Nothing worked other than to just keep plodding along. So that's what I did. And I can accept that today was a bad day. And that's okay. I still did it, and I will still get up on Friday and go again. And I will appreciate how far I have come and the new healthy habits I am building. So today sucked. Not every day is an up day. That's life. You have to love the unglamorous stuff, too, or you will drive yourself insane. "Learn to cherish that inner-dark angel which drives you up one day and down another." (can't remember who sang that, sorry.) The bad stuff is the good stuff too.
Sing it now "Solid as a rock....." (Come on, you know you heard it in your head from the start!)Photo credit: en.wikipedia.org
So I am re-reading a book about running that I read a few years ago. And I finally admitted something I wanted to avoid admitting. If I want to lose weight I need to face it - that happens with how you eat. I guess I have to face facts. So many things I have been reading talk about running as being great to keep weight off, maintenance, not exactly for weight loss. Add to that the fact that I have been letting myself go regarding food (hello doughnuts), and you have an inescapable situation: I will not lose weight if I don't eat better. *sigh* I have been trying to escape reality. And I also have not been losing weight. I wanted to lose weight "easily and naturally." But I'm not so sure that's really a thing. (I mean have you ever heard someone say they gained weight "easily and naturally?" Easily, yes, naturally, well....) So back to the loseit app I go...
(Really, what would we do without apps? #gratefulthatIlivehere&now. "There's an app for that" is no longer a joke. I think as a society we are beginning to rely on it. I know I am!)
So, Universe, you can stop prodding me now. I get it. I'm working on it.
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