Getting out of bed this morning was by far the hardest thing I have done all day today. (I know, not a bad day. But it isn't over yet either. Fingers crossed.) I had to talk and re-talk myself into getting up to go run. I could go Saturday, I decided. I could go when I got home from work tonight, I thought. SO easy to talk myself into slipping into bad habits. Much harder, but much more important, to talk myself INTO better, newer habits. But I did it. I got my butt out of bed, got dressed and left the house. Once I am up it's easier. It is pulling back the covers and getting up that is psychologically my demon. I say demon because that is the way I think of that little voice in my head that argues for the easy way out.

I was tired then and I have continued to be tired all day. I did not sleep well at all. BUT. (and this is the interesting part) I was not so very tired on my run. Not as tired as Wednesday, and not nearly as tired as last Friday. I did not run as far as Monday, but pretty close. And I chose to switch things up and run back by way of the park, which meant a gravel trail, which is new. And since that put me a bit further from home than normal, I even decided to push things a bit and run a little bit of the cool-down. What a rebel, right. HA! I ran without headphones for part of the run, with them for part. And I enjoyed both. I am actually surprised by how much I like running without music. I thought I needed the beat of the music. Turns out I don't. I just like it. Which means now I have a choice. Bonus!

So, tired, happy me is looking forward to the weekend. Family time, chores and other demands await. But so does fun. And energy. Energy to do more things with my kids. I love that best of all.

Photo credit:  articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com

I need a better sports bra. In a big way, if you'll pardon the pun.  Today I wore a different shirt. The one I normally wear is an athletic shirt, and fits a bit more tightly. It's short-sleeved, and I wear along-sleeved shirt over it. However, it is getting warmer, so I skipped the short-sleeve shirt and only wore the other one. And I noticed immediately that I need a better sports bra. Ouch.

Slower today. Only 1.87 miles in 28 minutes. I felt slower. But I also didn't mind today. For whatever reason I decided to run without music today. Instead I enjoyed the birds, the sound of my feet and my breathing. Wind, traffic, the river. It was peaceful, and I was able to keep my mind busy and not dwell on how my body was feeling. Added bonus: the sky was getting deliciously lighter on my return. Loved it. So while this was harder today, I also really enjoyed it. I LOVE getting out and having that time by myself. I love seeing the buds emerging and getting bigger on the trees. I love the lacy look of the trees against the sky before the leaves are out.  I also love how I can look ahead down the path and it doesn't look so long and daunting anymore. Instead, it seems totally possible for me to run all the way home.

What I don't love is how heavy I felt. Last night mom took me out for dinner to a restaurant that we both enjoy. They have a burger that I really like. It was so huge that I only ate half. (PILED high with cheese and thin, fried onion rings.) But that half sat in my stomach like a lump of lead the rest of the night. I even went to bed feeling heavy. So no suprise that I woke up and felt sluggish. I did that to myself. Will I learn from this? Perhaps. Does "only eat cheeseburgers on your off days" count? In all seriousness I should take this to heart. What I eat the day before does affect how I feel. Kind of wish I had been keeping a food journal, too. Too late though. I'll just have to pay more attention.  Or start back on my "loseit" app. But that's a totally different story. Saga. Drama. Eternal life-long struggle. Demon battle. Whatever. Am I being a bit dramatic? Talk to an overweight person. You'll get a similar answer.  Losing weight is NEVER about losing weight.  Just like running is about so much more than running.

So maybe everyone has a bad day once in a while. Saturday was mine. Today's run? WAY better. MUCH improved, if I do say so myself. It was a beautiful morning, I felt strong and energetic. And....in 28 minutes I ran 1.98 miles!! Almost 2 miles!! Super proud of myself. Everyone has a bad day once in a while. It does not mean you are not moving forward. It does not mean I am not moving forward. It just means I had a bad day. A not so great run. "Progress is progress, no matter how small." (I don't remember who said that, but it wasn't me.)  

This morning was wonderful, still hard. I mean, it IS running. But I enjoyed it. The birds were singing. So many robins were hopping in the grass searching for food. The sky was clear with just enough clouds for some streaky color. I had enough to think about that I could stay in my head, as I like to think of it. I suppose it's like any chart or graph - progress upward is not usually a straight line, but rather a series of little ups and downs. As long as the ups outnumber the downs, I'll be okay. That will be progress. For today, I am elated! I am a runner. 

My very un-glamorous post-run face. No makeup, sweaty. But I am proud of that face. It means that for once in my life I have been pushing myself and working at something. (Okay, second time. I was on the swim team in high school, but you don't notice sweat in a swimming pool.) 

On the flip side, I am highly discouraged today. I am still nowhere near running 3 miles! Today , the total amount I ran was......1.67 miles. Yuck. That means I have over a mile still to go. And today I felt like a slug. I felt every single pound on this overweight body. Even on the warm-up walk I did not get as far as I did Wednesday.  In fact, the whole thing was much slower than Wednesday. Discouraging. Very. 

And yet. I will not give up and I will not stop. I got up and out of bed and went. I am grateful for these legs that carry me. I am grateful for my feet which are holding up fairly well so far. I am grateful for family and friends who encourage me. (Just this morning as I posted about being disheartened, both my brother and a running friend commented right away with positive thoughts.) I am more than grateful that when I leave my house in the mornings in the dark that I feel completely safe running by myself the entire time. And, as has been pointed out to me (thanks Maritza!) - Look how far I have come! I can RUN for 25 minutes. Straight. Without getting a stitch in my side or gasping for breath, or lurching awkwardly. What is that saying? Even a slow run you are lapping people on the couch. And to think I used to BE that person on the couch. 

I may not be losing the weight like I wanted, but I am getting more fit. Little by little. LITTLE by little. But I am getting there. I WILL get there. I WILL get where I am going. I am determined. If I can just get out of my own way....

My gluteus maximus is sore. Yep. Butt muscles are a tiny bit sore.  Monday and today was running 25 minutes without stopping. My distance improved from Monday to today. Perhaps, just perhaps, someone, who is not me, actually knows what they are doing. I was really worried about reaching 3 miles by the end of the 9 weeks. 1.6 miles in 25 minutes was not great. However, this morning I earned best distance AND best pace according to my C25K app! And this on a day that I seriously considered not getting out of bed to go...

It was supposed to rain. Again. Deluges. Flooding. Ark weather. And my husband, being the worriesome sort, said he thought that if it was storming and lightning out perhaps I should not go. I hate being told what to do or not do, so that irritated me. A lot. But he happens to be right. Starting about 3 am I began tossing and turning, and each time I woke up I debated: get up or not? hit snooze or get up? It took quite a bit of pep-talking myself just to get me to get up and look out the window. Beautiful, clear sky (stars!) and dry pavement. So off I went. And I was actually pretty excited to go, because I truly don't, deep inside, want to miss any sessions. I don't want to lose momentum or progress.

The run itself was beautiful, a bit rough, and also fun. Beautiful weather, scenery, sunrise. Rough to get started and tough to keep going at points. But again, I am learning....get back in my head, check my posture, check my foot falls. Fun because I can do this! I can actually DO this!!

I DO see progress. I DO see improvement - energy, able to run farther and farther, pacing gets better each time. I enjoy my time running, even when it is so tough to put one foot in front of the other, when I have to convince myself not to "just walk a little." I like what I am learning. I like the time I get to just be me and think. But it may just be time to start fitting stretches in....so my seat is not quite so sore!

Photo Credit: westiela.com 

Running home in lapis lazuli. Although it was not raining on my run this morning, the sky was cloudy, but light enough to drown everything in a just-washed, deep lapis lazuli color. The houses, the grass, trees, cars, pavement. I felt like I was running through a watercolor painting. Beautiful. Although, to be truthful, on my way home it was probably more like slogging though oil paint, the way my legs felt! It was beautiful.

And I am grateful. I am grateful that my legs carry my on my new journey. I am grateful for my husband at home, sleeping peacefully. Without him I would not be able to safely leave my sleeping children as well, so that I could get out and run. I am grateful for my arms that help propel me forward, and help me balance. I am grateful for my phone - that I can afford a smartphone, without which I could not use the app that has been instrumental in my progress. And also for music that inspires. Pandora is essential to me. I am grateful for that, for the person who created it. I am grateful that I live in such a safe place that I can leave and return in the dark, early hours when there are few cars about, let alone people, and always feel completely safe. I am grateful that I have a beautiful path provided for us all to use, so I don't have to run on the road in traffic.  I am grateful for my friends and family who support me. 

I have found that when things are difficult, it helps to go back to gratitude. And today's run was difficult. But the difficult part was not physical. I mean, that was not exactly child's play (okay, to a child it is). The hardest part for me today was to stay in my head, to not focus on my body. Twenty-five minutes running without stopping, and the parts where I felt like I was gliding along were when I was lost in thought. People say that running is good thinking time. And boy, is it ever. In fact, I have found that if you do not get lost in thought it is just an exercise in physical punishment. However, running scenarios, solving problems, thinking about things, it's all about escape. And if you can escape that way, running is a joy. For me, that is when I feel connected with myself. Those moments were sporadic today, but in the in-between moments I focused on gratitude. And that's when I was really able to enjoy running through a lapis lazuli sky.





Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/groups/1191049@N22/pool/ad77777777/?view=lg

You should bow to me. Really. Sticking with my run today should make me some kind of national hero. Or I'm just a wimp. But I think I'll go with option 1.  Here's how it went.

When I left the house it was barely misting. The sky was darker than usual, but mainly in the part that had passed over. It has been raining here for a couple days now, and so I was pretty happy it was not still raining hard as I started out. However. A little bit into my run it began to sprinkle. No big deal, I'll just put up my hood. Anyone who has any length of hair knows that the minute you put on a hood, all your hair immediately pushes forward into your face. Great. Now there's that. But the wind was at my back, so I wasn't cold, or too wet. Then I stepped in a puddle I couldn't see.  So squish squish squish, sopping wet right foot. Pretty soon it was raining hard! I was brushing hair out of my face, fiddling with my earbud (thanks to all the hair issues). But I kept going. Then I stepped in another puddle. A deep one. Left foot! Yay - matching set. Squishy, wet, freezing feet. I run at about 5 am. So it's normally dark anyway, Darker when it's cloudy. So at first I thought the flashes of light were the cars passing. Nope. Lightning. Fantastic. Flash! Boom! Crack! And here I am, running next to trees, out in the open, on a nice wet path. Fantastic. Finally! Time to turn around and start home! Except facing the rain is much, much worse. The wind was blowing my hood down, and since it's a fairly new coat, I could not figure out how to tighten it at first. Fiddling with your hood while trying to run, in the rain, is not fun. And since I was facing the rain, I GOT SOAKED!!  And just to round out the experience, you should know that you never feel your thighs rub together as much as when you are wearing soaking wet leggings.

BUT, and this is huge....I did NOT give up. I ran exactly what I was supposed to- 10 min run, 3 min walk, 10 minute run. And by the way...the 10 minute runs took me farther this time. Funny how that works. Last Friday I ran 10 min out, turned around, and 10 min back. But this time, the first 10 minutes took me much farther, noticeably farther.  So much so that I actually took out my phone to see if the app was not working.

So in a way I'm like the post office - throught the rain, sleet and snow...I deliver!! Ha ha.  This sucked. It was cold, wet, and really, really hard to keep going. Really hard. But I did it!! And I am glad.

You can bow to me now.

I can't believe this is week 6 already. When I logged on to my app this morning, it said this week would be a big week, but that's okay I have been prepared. Yowza. I was so intimidated by the 20 minute run without stopping that I paid very little attention to what was after that. So today was a surprise. I totally thought it would be more long running. Instead, it was walk 5 run 5, walk 3 run 8, walk 3 run 5, walk 5. Something like that. Far more broken up than I thought. They are tricky over there at C-2-5K! The distance was far greater: 2.16 mi total, much farther than any time before.

At the end I was tired, and sweaty. Ick. But it's getting warmer and perhaps I overdressed a tad. When I started out I was smiling like a fool. I did think it was easy to get into a good pace today, even when I was tired. I also found that my posture makes a difference. It takes a bit more energy to stay in good posture, not to slump and tighten up. But I found that when I got tired, and found myself doing just that (slumping and getting tense), I would notice, and then after I corrected my posture, running got easier. Odd contrast - expend a tiny bit more energy in good posture and you get a payoff in more energy to run. Put a little energy over hear, get it back over there. I would not have guessed that.

And fyi, good thing I ran when I did. One hour later and I'd have been running in the rain. Yay me. Good timing. (Okay, this was an accident - I am back to work after being on break, so back to 5 am running. Back to the dark, too. But that's okay...tiny bit of blush on the horizon at the end. Days are getting longer.) 

I am actually thinking of signing up for a second 5K - The Electric Run. Also in August. Light yourself up at night - pretty cool. And hey, if I can get a group together, maybe we'll celebrate afterward. It is an 8pm run. I wonder if there are any establishments that don't mind sweaty runners with glow-in-the-dark trim....